What about Sex?

Many clients report that their intimate connection with a partner can be the most rewarding and challenging thing they encounter.

When it comes to relationship problems, sex seems to be the first thing that gets abandoned.  How delicate our sexual relationships seem to be. This marvelous act can turn into a battle zone so easily. I see the irony of it, also.  The very thing that would help the relationship improve is discarded.

I often think about how to remedy this situation. Sex is often used as a reward for good behavior perhaps unconsciously. With greater awareness, you can learn how to stop taking it away for punishment or resentment or using it as a prize. When you can just stay connected the problems that seem to stop sex from happening, you can naturally help you and your partner to find your solutions.  If you think of sex as a gift you give with no strings attached, you may start have an entirely different experience that creates a real connection.

I ask my couples clients to start with a 15-minute exercise.  Each person gets 5 minutes to talk while his or her partner just listens.  Feedback is not given.  It is best to use this time to talk about your wants and desires without judgment or criticism of the one listening. A nice way to end is with gentle touching.

If what you are doing is not working, then try something new, with curiosity and courage to return to intimacy.  The 15-minute listening exercise is an excellent way to move through the resentments, betrayal and disappointments that have been piled up and find a way back to real intimacy. I offer my skills and experience to you to navitage your way back to love.

Let’s face it, marriage has gotten way to complicated.  It seems that the good old-fashioned marriage had a better chance of surviving.  But there were strings attached many times.  Remember just because it lasts, as you may well know from personal experience, it doesn’t mean it is magical. 

I love interviewing couples who have magical marriages.  They can’t seem to compliment their partner enough.  I am struck by how much gratitude they have for their partner and where that gratitude comes from.  In my own research, I find that partners who accept each other and support each other are the happiest.  No one praises their partner for pointing out their faults, mistakes or shortcomings. Most of the time criticizing your partner leads to unhappiness not magic. There are many marriage counselors and books on the subject of “fixing” your marriage.  In my own personal experience, I found out that I had to fix myself first.  It seems that what we want to fix in our partner is the very thing that we need to look deeply into ourselves. 

In reading the latest marriage counseling book, “Marriage made simple”, by one of my favorite marriage counseling authors, Harville Hendricks and his wife Helen LaKelly Hunt.  I found their vulnerable truth about their marriage has very revealing and insightful to those seeking counseling.  In their book, they site 10 truths to making marriage simple. Remember that phrase it may be simple but it doesn’t mean it is easy.  The simple truth  I found to be simple but not easy is Truth # 7 – Negativity is invisible abuse. I discovered that my criticism of my partner is a form of negativity. There is much to be gleaned from this book and much to be discovered by trying to follow the simple truths to a satisfying marriage.

Whatever you do, don’t settle for a mediocre marriage.  Living life with regrets is not living at all, in my opinion.  May you find joy and real love in your marriage.

Often I ask my clients "are you doing your "homework"?  The homework is exercises to facilitate change in their lives.  The ones who do the homework find that they are gaining new ways of meeting their difficult moments.  They tell me that being compassionate and kind towards self and others is helping. They are taking a pause before reacting and it really works.  Others report they forgot or didn't find the time to practice the homework assignments.  

When I heard the phrase “are you admiring the teapot or drinking the tea”, I thought of how the homework assignments are like that.  If you don't drink the tea (practice the homework assignments) nothing much happens.  I can tell you how great the tea taste, but you will never know what it tastes like until you try it yourself.  Here is one powerful simple tool that can transform your behavior: The homework practice of "taking a pause" begins to unhook the unskillful automatic reactions you are trying to stop.  Let's say you came to therapy because you find that you and your spouse get into frequent arguments about who is cleaning the house or paying the bills.  You feel that it is always your responsibility and you want your spouse to step up and do their part.  If you think of the analogy of tasting the tea as learning to take a pause, you may find that their response is somehow different even if they have not fully committed to change.
Learning to communicate with kindness, less judgment or demands can change the usual destructive argument into a positive situation.  If you think this sounds like a good idea drink the tea and stop admiring the teapot!